Monday, March 28, 2011

Chess Tournament

 
I drove my 91 year old friend to a chess tournament. He made it to the finals. He had to play a 7 year old Chinese boy. The 7 year old beat him.
 
They asked the boy how long he had been playing. He said " Tournament chess"? they said "yes, " he said "3 years"
 

They asked friend and he said "85 years."

Sunday, March 27, 2011

From my pal Dick Muny

Hi John:
Your blog wouln't take this brilliant piece of prose.
Maybe you can add it.  Just give me credit
Dick
There will never be another bestist friend.
#10 Hoverstraat with Absenth laced
Many a rule we did bend.
The times we shared can never ever be replaced
I love you John, I always will.
You taught me the beauty in all that swill.

Old Age vs Senility

Old age is when you forget to zip up your pants
Senility is when you forget to unzip them

What I’ve learned in my first 75 years of life


·        Happiness is good health and a short memory

·        Get a job you love and you will never have to work a day of your life

·        Never pass up a chance to take a leak

·        Never try to get a piece of toast out of the toaster with a fork

·        If you see a man with a hat on driving a car, avoid him at all costs

·        Exercise doesn’t make you live longer, it just seems longer

·        Seek the company of those who are searching for the truth and run away from those that have found it

·        According to the Upanishads (Indian book of wisdom), the four stages of life are:

1.      Sense of Wonder
2.      Search for Love
3.      Search for Meaning
4.      Courage
                                                                                         
·        The ocean refuses no river

Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Ocean

When you are 30 and walking on the beach the waves gently tickle your ankles.
At 50 the waves occasionally bathe your knees but you don't think much of it.
Later you notice that the waves are deeper and sometimes lift you up and gently set you down.
One day you are picked up and are buoyant and float for a while, your toes touching the bottom now and then; not an unpleasant feeling. Later a large wave picks you up and carries you out some distance.  You are still buoyant but don't touch bottom very often.  Eventually your buoyancy is lost and your are treading water. You don't know how long you can keep it up, but you aren't too concerned

Friday, March 25, 2011

Songs

Blues


Well I woke up this morning
My Lexus wouldn’t start

Well I woke up this morning
Had a flat on my golf cart

The maid was 2 hours late
And my CDs have a bad rate

The wine cellar is on the fritz
I lost my reservation at the Ritz

I got the upper middle class blues

Oh yeah, Oh yeah

 Oh Yeah Baby!




Life

Born in an outhouse when I was 8 years old
Murdered my momma cause her milk was too cold

Ate crawfish guts in a pick up truck
Stayed drunk 60 years through just dumb luck

Went to the tractor pull
Ate possum on a stick

These damn pointy-head liberals
Just make me sick

I sure miss my little sis
Boy she could really kiss

Gonna get me a haircut
Sure it’ll be a mullet

I know I can’t rhyme too good
But see I didn’t go to Harvud

Thursday, March 24, 2011

What is life about?

Loss
First you lose the comfort of your mother's womb
then you lose her breast
then you lose her lap and they send you  to school
then you lose your schoolmates and go out into the world
then you lose your freedom and get married
then you lose your marital bliss and have children
then your children move away
then slowly lose your eyesight, hearing and a good night's sleep
then your sexuality
then you lose your friends and family
then you lose your life, but this one isn't the biggest loss, it is a blessing

THE SIX STAGES

  1. innocence
  2. knowledge
  3. disillusionment
  4. forgiveness
  5. letting go
  6. moving on

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

PLOT FOR BUDDY MOVIES


Usually two cops, but could be two cowboys, astronauts, reporters, etc.  One is old, 6 months from retirement; Has seen it all and done it all. He is cynical but with a heart of gold.  Has been trouble with the head office for some infraction years ago and is still on the force only because of a debt owed him by the Chief.  He is assigned a rookie (either a movie star who wants the experience, or a cub reporter, or the Chief’s nephew) who is good looking with great hair and who is a real smart-ass.

On their first assignment the rookie gets them both in a lot of trouble for not following procedure. They are called into the Chief's office and given a stern lecture.  The old guy is usually taken off the case but continues to work on it on his own time and expense at great risk to his pension. At the end of the movie the rookie saves them both by doing some stunt that is "not in the book" which could have gotten them fired, but actually saves their lives and a lot of other people also. This is just before the enormous explosion, which they escape without a wrinkle in their suits.

The rookie gives the credit to the old guy who retires with honor and joins his family. During the movie his estranged daughter was in trouble, for drugs or stealing cars but usually because her boy friend was a rotten bum. She is straightened out at the end, dumps the boy friend, and is reconciled with her dad.  The rookie ends up in bed with the glamorous assistant female D. A., who was his adversary during the movie.

In the sequel the old guy comes out of retirement, at the insistence of the Chief, for one last case. This time the old guy is the one that saves his and the rookie's lives before an even bigger explosion.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Bunkie's Pride: Alamo

Bunkie's Pride: Alamo -- We were in San Antonio. Miss San Antonio has been disqualified because she ate too many burritos, and her ass is now too big to go to the Miss America Contest.